(Part 5–Deafening Silence…)
(From the Beginning)
From before I can remember I heard the painful expressions of my mother’s manic-depressive torment.
For her, life sucked and she just wanted to die.
I naturally took on the responsibility of trying to keep the peace in the home.
I learned to not have any needs, or provide for them myself.
I got really good at judging moods…
I could almost feel it before I even walked in the door.
I learned to judge when not to allow friends to our house,
as they might witness the terror…
and would agonize over whether to escape to a friend’s,
or remain home to watch over her.
When I felt the wind shifting, I would spend days, sometimes weeks
walking on eggshells…
bending over backwards…
trying not to be in the way…
trying desperately to remain present…
yet invisible.
It was never enough.
There would always be a straw to break the camel’s back.
Something as benign as asking for lunch money could result in receiving a $20 bill…
or listening and feeling responsible for a tirade and the demands that God just take her out of her misery.
No one had the courage to call out the giant elephant in the room…
you know the one everyone sees…
but no one wants to talk about.
We just got really proficient at maneuvering around it.
My family continued this dance for years.
I became so adept, I convinced myself the elephant wasn’t even there.
I occasionally caught a glimpse of the elephant…
but would quickly and successfully remind myself it was only a mouse…
I didn’t even notice the monkey on my back…
