(Part 8–Sinful Denial…)
(From the Beginning)
About a year and a half ago, I went through a period of intense stress and spiritual warfare.
I began a new career…
while raising two children…
trying to be a good wife…
keeping up a home and family…
serving in the church…
launching a new ministry at church.
My then one-year-old decided he didn’t like sleeping at night.
I went weeks without any decent stretch of sleep.
Trying to be the martyr, I would take him downstairs so my husband, the main
breadwinner, could get sleep and be “on” for work the next day.
One night, at about 2:00 in the morning, at the end of my wits, I decided to take the baby for a drive to try to get him to sleep.
I was so angry…
in dire need of sleep…
I pushed my husband, who had finally come downstairs, out of the way to get to the car.
As I drove up and down Grove Community Drive, my blood boiled.
I was
so hot…
so tense…
so angry…
I could scream.
And I did.
DOESN’T ANYONE UNDERSTAND? I’M A REAL PERSON AND I HAVE NEEDS TOO!
Then I thought, Great, I’m going to have to confess this at small group tomorrow.
So I began in my head, the conversation I imagined would unfold at small group…
…expressing my frustration at my child…
…the isolation from my husband…
…the exhaustion from all I felt obligated to do.
I felt the Spirit prompting me to pray.
That was the last thing I wanted to do.
Reluctantly, I did.
I prayed
God, why?
I don’t understand this!
Is it too much to ask for one night,
even just a few solid hours of sleep?
With all I do for
my family,
for You,
for the church,
for my clients,
for others…
Why can’t I get the one thing I need most right now?
God, It’s everything I have right now just to hang on!
I’m barely holding it together here!
I have nothing left…
absolutely nothing left.
As soon as I finished those words, He gave me Scripture.
My grace is sufficient for you. My power is perfected in weakness.
Suddenly a calm came over me
—then a song—
All of You is more than enough for all of me…
By now, the baby was asleep, but I decided to drive a couple of more laps,
singing in praise,
taking solace in the serenity I felt.
In those moments, I experienced a glimpse of true peace…
Not the false peace I tried to create by
avoiding conflict,
maintaining my composure,
trying not to make even a ripple on the surface of the water,
all the while below the surface,
treading desperately to stay afloat.
I learned that in order to experience true complete peace
—shalom shalom—
I would have to travel through the Valley of the Shadow of Death…
