(Part 10–Spinning In Circles…)
(From the Beginning)
It seems silly, and it’s quite embarrassing to admit this, but a few weeks later I scheduled a session with my counselor to address the issue.
It took a few sessions to get to the source of the fear, but we eventually got there
…back to that hallway…
I believed,
from so young I can’t even remember,
and so deep in my core I couldn’t even recognize it…
that I was not worth living for.
No matter what I did…
how much I accomplished…
how good I was…
how easy-going and adaptable I was…
…it was never good enough for her to want to live.
I knew this wasn’t true
—in my head.
But my heart was still deeply wounded.
As I left the session, I laughed out loud at the absurdity of having to go to counseling to learn to make a phone call.
I imagined our new numbers-driven VP coming to challenge my lack of phone activity, and responding,
Give me a couple of months, I’m working on it with my therapist!
But then His truth came to me.
As I processed the previous hour’s discovery,
astonished at the extent of the damage from my childhood,
I thought
Who would have imagined that a phone call could carry so much power,
placing me in a position of feeling like I wasn’t worth living for?
Then, in a quiet, tender voice,
I felt my Abba,
Yahweh,
speak to my heart…
Wendy,
My child,
not only are you worth living for,
but I died for you.
And now,
I live forever—
for you
David writes of God in Psalm 56…
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.
You have recorded each one in Your book.
My enemies will retreat when I call to You for help.
This I know: God is on my side!
I praise God for what He has promised;
Yes, HalleluYah for what He has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
I will fulfill my vows to You, oh God,
and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for Your help.
You have rescued me from death;
You have kept my feet from slipping.
So now I can walk in Your presence, oh God,
in Your life-giving light.
