I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness, Because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul… Psalm 31:7
As I’ve been processing the flashbacks I’ve had this past week, it’s caused me to look back and reflect on my life, my experiences, my choices, my relationships.
I’m still in disbelief.
Taking an honest look at yourself is difficult.
It’s dark.
It’s ugly.
It’s messy.
When I look real close, I see
the unrefined character,
the jagged edges,
the missing pieces,
the brokenness.
I think back to the really dark times, amidst my abusive experiences, and I wonder how much collateral damage I caused because of my actions…and my inactions…on my path to self-destruction.
Because I couldn’t trust anyone enough to get close to them.
Because I withdrew and I withheld.
Because I pushed away anyone as they got too close.
Because I never told anyone.
Because I didn’t value myself.
Because I eventually lost hope.
Because I stopped fighting.
Because I gave in to my skewed sense of who I was.
Because I believed the lies.
Because I became reckless.
Because I escalated, accelerated, and spiraled out of control.
I wonder.
I wonder how God can be so loving, so merciful, so tender.
I wonder how He can choose to rescue me from this pit of destruction.
I wonder how He took the weight of everyone’s sin, wounds, and pain, heaped it onto Himself, and endured the cross.
For this.
For me.
Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Psalm 51:1
