Yesterday was really blah for me. Last week, I would cry for no specific reason, and yesterday, I could hardly force a tear out. I thought, how can I waver like this?
Sunday I led a (I must admit) really good devotional with my ministry team, about spiritual warfare, and how we must make a choice to face the enemy, and charge him headlong in Christ’s strength, as David charged Goliath (I’ll post pieces of it over the next few days). I was pumped afterward.
Then I wake up on Monday, and can hardly focus, hardly think about anything else but the flashbacks, the self-realizations, and the resulting ick (that’s a technical term) that’s surfaced.
I prayed about what was going on…
Am I slipping back into self-protection mode and disconnecting from the emotion?…
Am I just empty?…
Has a spirit of ambivalence come upon me?…
Is this part of the enemy’s attack as I prepare for my session with Dr. Kraft?…
Or is it just time to be still and wait?…
Maybe I just needed to get rational for a bit to process things and ponder what God might be teaching me at the moment…
I wrestle with wanting complete answers.
I’ve realized why I want complete answers–
because somewhere inside, I think that the results of the attacks matter.
Sure, they may matter at some point later in my healing process. But at this point of the process, it doesn’t matter.
God is showing me that the attacks themselves left deep wounds that need His healing. Whether each man or boy was successful in his invasion does not change the resulting damage, leading to the self-destructive path I eventually found myself on. Denying the effects, rationalizing them, or minimizing them isn’t going to change that.
“Be still, and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10
Surrender is difficult…I’m not used to not being in control…
Thanks to Him, for His love endures, and His mercy renews each and every day…
