Jenna,
This weekend, I’m going to work on putting together a picture book for you. The boys are going to write notes, and make flowers for you.
Last night in class, we discussed grief and loss. As I put myself in your shoes, my heart just broke for you. What you may have been through. How many times, and in how many ways, your heart has been broken. How it all has made you feel. I just wanted to hold you last night, rock you, sing over you, and tell you I love you.
I’m a bit scared, though. I’m worried that I may never get the chance. I’m worried that you may never get to call me mommy. I’m worried that if it all doesn’t work out, you may never know how much we love you, have prayed for you, and waited for you. You may never even know about us. You may never get to read this letter.
Some people hurt me when I was a little girl. The Big People are concerned that if you were hurt the same kind of way I was, that it may be too hard for us to be a family. I don’t think it would be as hard as they are worried it might be. Sure, I know it will be difficult. I know it won’t be easy by any means. If you have been hurt like I was, I know that it’s really confusing, scary, and just feels icky, and you have no idea what to do or say. You don’t know whether to scream, cry, pretend, or what.
But I know how to listen. How to be patient. How to be gentle. tender. safe. accepting. loving.
I’m not sure what will happen. But this I do know: Our Abba, our Daddy, is in control. He is with us. He always has been. Even through the really sad and really bad times. Even when we feel that no one else is around. He is there. I hope you can experience Him. I hope you can know His love.
You have been growing in my heart for several months now. I pray that I will get to hold you soon. To bring you home.
My deepest prayer, my strongest desire, is that even though you are not here now, that you will feel the amazing love for you that is in my heart. That you will know how much you are wanted. That you will know how much you are cared for. That you will know how special you are. That you will know you are a Princess.
I love you,
Mommy
