Wrestling Heart

As many of you know, we are in the process of adopting a little girl.

Well, maybe not so little…She’s 12.

We saw her picture months ago, and were captivated. I’ve been praying over her, preparing for her, and thinking about her all these months. I’ve wondered what might have put her into the system. How long she’s been in the system. How many homes she’s lived in. How many schools she’s had to learn in. How many friends she’s left behind. What connection to her past she still has. How much she wants to have.

…In come the warnings: “don’t get too attached…anything can happen.”

Pbpbpbpt!!! I’ve spent my whole life not getting too excited or too attached, because I got tired of the disappointment. God told me a couple of years ago, that I was going to have to take risks. So I did.

From that first night, I have loved this little girl like she is my own. Even though I only know a handful of facts about her. Even though I have never met her, but have only seen her picture. I have no idea what she will be like. How long it may take to adjust. Who she will grow up to be. Or even if I will ever get to hold her…I still love her. Like a mother loves her unborn child, without knowing, seeing, or touching, I love this little girl. She is my little girl.

I really felt the Holy Spirit tell me the first time I saw her picture, “This is My little girl, and I want you to love her”.

Now, it’s social workers’ jobs to prepare people for worst-case-scenario. These children have had their hearts broken countless times, in unimaginable ways, and I’m sure the social workers carry that and feel that too. They have to be protective…of the children, of themselves, of us.

At our interview, they mentioned the possible obstacles that could come up in this process. I’ve been well aware of the things that might happen. I know the kinds of things this little girl might have to deal with. I have a vivid imagination. I also have experience with some of these things. I’m aware of some of the things she might do to cope. I don’t expect it to be a cake walk. I only expect to love her anyway. With the love of Christ.

Yet, last night after our foster/adoption licencing class, I hit a speed bump. That’s an understatement. The class content was heart-breaking enough, focusing on grief and loss, and imagining what kinds of loss these kids experience, and how they’ve coped and survived.

After class, I was asking our social worker a question regarding the home studies. In our conversation, one of those obstacles presented itself again as a possibility, maybe even probability. They want to be cautious about potential triggers, both for me and for her. He wasn’t certain, but she and I may share something in our experiences that causes them to pause. To hesitate. To reconsider.

He assured me, that they will find a match for us…My heart dropped. The thought of losing this little girl. Tonight of all nights? Inside, I started scrambling, stirring, grasping.

I was up most of the night, praying, wrestling with feelings, naming them, imagining how I might work through various possibilities, preparing my case.

A battle is raging…
I named anger…at the perpetrators who took so much from me so long ago, who even now, threaten to take something even more precious
I named frustration…because I feel helpless–it’s ultimately not my decision
I named fear…of losing, of the unknown, of them erring too far on the side of caution
I named intimidation…because part of me is worried about not being heard, being misunderstood, labeled, or under-estimated
I named shame…for trying to make me feel like it’s because of who I am or what I’ve experienced

I fought them by…
Surrendering…to Christ, His sovereignty, His goodness, His will.

My Abba is bigger than any doubt, any obstacle, any rule, any pre-conceived notions, any reservations, any stigmas, any labels, any opinions…He is BIGGER…He is STRONGER.

He has a plan. He gave me this girl. Even if for just a season. Even if I may never hold her. Even if I may never meet her. She has been conceived in my heart, and will continue to grow there. 

My heart is in His hands.

God is using this to teach me so much
about love
about belonging
about trusting
about surrendering
about accepting
about fighting
about adoption
about loss
about being vulnerable

Please pray for us on this challenging journey of faith…I’m off to write another letter…