It’s taken me a week to publish this…a tough one…
Mayim Hayim–Living Water
John 4…At the well, Jacob’s well, on the outskirts of town, a Samaritan woman comes during the heat of the day to draw water. Jesus meets her there, and asks for a drink. He offers her living water, and tells her to go and bring her husband. She admits that she is not married, which, of course, He already knew. He refers to her five ex-husbands, and her current live-in boyfriend. This woman was a social outcast, caught in a life of sexual sin. He essentially tells her He knows her fruitless pursuits: seeking fulfillment, escape, belonging, and more, in mere men and the things of this world. She is amazed and runs back to town to tell the rest of the Samaritans about the Messiah, whom she has just met face to face, and who told her everything she had ever done. Many Samaritans believed after hearing the woman’s testimony about Jesus’ words.
I think about the woman’s words, what Jesus called her to, and the Samaritans’ response.
I think back to my first encounter at the well…
My initial response to sexual abuse was to withdraw, turn inward, and insulate myself almost completely. It was easy to convince everyone that I was just stuck up, being a cheerleader and all…
Truth be told–I was afraid:
…afraid of boys…the only ones who seemed to take much notice of me hurt me, binding me to a life of darkness, confusion, and secrecy…
…afraid of being found out…I couldn’t bear for anyone else to know the shame, horror, and humiliation I had experienced…
Dysfunction and chaos at home just added fuel to the fire…
I walked a fine line
…between the external confident, fun-loving feistiness
…and the internal shame, fear, and self-hatred that consumed me.
It’s taken me a long time to realize what was happening to me…
what I was doing to myself…
I began walking two paths–
…the one most could see–of apparent perfection:
high grades, prudish chastity, full of accomplishments…
…the other was much darker–the road to self-destruction:
alcohol, partying, casual dating…
Along both paths I experienced
further betrayal
more violations
and a brutally terrifying assault.
Unable to deal with the assault or other abuses at the time, I needed other reasons to hate myself.
Before long, I plunged almost completely into the darkness.
Into the abyss…
…immersed in the poison, deceit, confusion…
Within a couple of years, I found myself
nearly flunking out of college
drinking and partying almost every weekend
squandering my soul piece by piece
on the verge of a life I had never imagined for myself
…nor ever wanted for myself.
Then…one morning…I woke up…
Literally…
…next to an older man I barely knew…
so hungover that I couldn’t remember how
the previous night had ended…
…and still can’t remember…
…I woke up at the well…
I heard a Voice inside ask me,
“Wendy…what are you doing here?
This isn’t who I created you to be.
Is this what you want for yourself?”
No.
I walked away…
from the drinking
the partying
the clubs
the dating…
I was ready to walk away…but was not yet strong enough for the battle…
so I locked that part of my life away…
…while traces of the poison still coursed through my veins…
…and I ran headlong back to the life I had envisioned…
graduated college with honors, married a good man,
went to graduate school…
I have two beautiful children,
my dream career
…and Christ…
After many years, Jesus brought me back to the well
–to join the battle–
it was time to begin bleeding out the toxic sin
that had plagued my life and relationships…
…it was finally time to tell the other Samaritans about the Messiah
Who told me everything I had ever done…
Who called me out of my life of sin
Who offered me Living Water
and invited me into a life of mercy, grace, redemption,
restoration, healing, wholeness,
sacrifice, joy, servanthood…
…into a life of Immanuel…
Mayim Hayim…Living Water…
Have you been to the well?
Wendy,
That was an absolutely, amazing, beautifully written piece!
Thanks Martha