A Year in the Life

A whole year since I’ve posted.
What a year.
As I look back on this past year, I can sum it up in one word:
                                 loss.

Shortly after my last letter to Jenna, I learned that her needs were beyond what we were equipped to handle. There was potential danger to our boys, and we couldn’t expose them to the potential risks. I could barely finish reading her profile through the tears that told me the harsh truth. 

After 6 months of praying over that little girl,
       I had to let her go.
It was so difficult.

We had resolved to continue with the adoption process, but to remain open about who our new little girl would be. Many months later, we finally completed final interviews for our home study. Then…well…see below.

A few weeks later, my mother-in-law called me complaining of really bad gastral pain and diarrhea. She had seen her doctor about it, but the medicine he had prescribed wasn’t providing any relief. After taking her to urgent care, she was transported to the emergency room. Later that night, she underwent triple bypass surgery. For the next six weeks, I devoted countless hours to sitting with her in the hospital and rehab facility, praying with and for her, listening to and helping to ease her anxiety and fears, advocating for her care, and then welcoming her into our home to help care for her needs. Last September, we awoke to her call for help in the middle of the night. I watched her take her last breath, and then felt the last few pulses of her heart. I administered CPR until the paramedics arrived. They were unable to revive her.

In the midst of my own grief, I helped shepherd my young boys through the loss of their Grammie, and supported my husband through the very difficult loss of his mom. As the end of 2009 approached, I reflected and thought, wow, I hope 2010 is better.

Then in February, I got a call from my sister. Grandma was not doing well. She no longer wanted the treatment which she felt was prolonging the inevitible and making her so uncomfortable. She was ready to go home to be with her Savior. The doctors ordered palliative care (making her comfortable in her last days). I spent the better part of the week staying at her home helping to care for her in those last days. I spent precious hours in prayer over her, in Scripture, watching and waiting by her bedside. I felt her leave many times, and then return as if something were holding her back. It was like something was grabbing her by the ankles and pulling her back. 

I diligently and prayerfully sought out any and all things
      which may be interfering with her peaceful passing.
She was ready.
But something wouldn’t let go.
I searched and searched for an answer.
It never was clear…

           …in hindsight, I wonder if something was keeping me there…
                                 …instead of home that week…

Grandma passed away very peacefully.
We had a small, intimate service.
Family came in from out of state.
It was the first time in 10 years
         –since my wedding ironically–
that my entire generation of cousins and sisters
were together at the same time.

The next day, the girlies spent the evening together
               reminiscing about “Grandma GG”,
        savoring both the laughter and the tears we shared.

…Little did I know what was going on back home…

As I was saying my final goodbyes to my grandmother,
         reconnecting with my sisters and cousins,
                        grieving with my family the loss of an amazing woman of faith,
circumstances were conspiring to rob me and my boys
           of what I had worked so hard
                 and invested so much in trying to build and maintain.

Another woman began pursuing my husband.

It didn’t take long for him to make his decision…

A decision that would turn our entire world upside down
         and threaten everything on earth that I hold dear.

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