My little Princess,

Tonight is our final class! Though we have learned so many valuable things, we are so excited to be done and ready to move to the next step. We’re hoping they will schedule our home study soon, and complete it quickly. We are so eager to learn more about you and bring you home. We want to know your favorite color so we can decorate your room soon. So many of our family and friends are excited and can’t wait to meet you. We have people at church praying for you, some who don’t even know us yet. Some even want to buy you welcome gifts, and have asked if we know your size.

This past weekend was the 4th of July. We barbequed at your aunt’s house. We had family from out of state visiting. I kept thinking how exciting it will be when we can introduce you to them, when you can play with your brothers and cousins. I long for next year when we can all sit together and watch in awe as the fireworks light up the sky.

The boys are so eager for you to come home. I love how they think of you already as a part of the family…even before they’ve met you. They ask questions about you. They include you in everything: talking about school, trips, church, pictures, toys, games, prayers. A few times we’ve bought them something, and they ask “which one is for Jenna?”

As I think about how close the day is approaching, I wonder how God is stirring your heart to get you ready to come home. Our hearts have been through many ups and downs during this long process. But we have pushed through and now are so close to the finish. We all just have to hang on a little longer, and continue to pray. Hang in there Princess. You’ll be home soon.

Love,

Mommy

Jenna,

Only three more classes to go! The weeks don’t seem to count down quickly enough, though we are learning alot. We had your brother’s birthday party this past weekend. We wish you could have been here to share it with us. We all got to be rock stars and decorated t-shirts. We tried to make a rock video. I wonder if you would be as camera shy as the rest of the kids ended up being.

We got our home inspection done this week. Our house is officially safe enough for kids. It’s also mommy-proofed, because to put stuff out of children’s reach, it’s now also out of my reach.

I got to see another family’s adoption finalized this morning. I kept thinking of you, and how that will hopefully be us soon. We are trying to wait patiently, though we are eager to bring you home.

Take care. I’m praying for you every day.

Love,

Mommy

Jenna,

This weekend, I’m going to work on putting together a picture book for you. The boys are going to write notes, and make flowers for you.

Last night in class, we discussed grief and loss. As I put myself in your shoes, my heart just broke for you. What you may have been through. How many times, and in how many ways, your heart has been broken. How it all has made you feel. I just wanted to hold you last night, rock you, sing over you, and tell you I love you.

I’m a bit scared, though. I’m worried that I may never get the chance. I’m worried that you may never get to call me mommy. I’m worried that if it all doesn’t work out, you may never know how much we love you, have prayed for you, and waited for you. You may never even know about us. You may never get to read this letter.

Some people hurt me when I was a little girl. The Big People are concerned that if you were hurt the same kind of way I was, that it may be too hard for us to be a family. I don’t think it would be as hard as they are worried it might be. Sure, I know it will be difficult. I know it won’t be easy by any means. If you have been hurt like I was, I know that it’s really confusing, scary, and just feels icky, and you have no idea what to do or say. You don’t know whether to scream, cry, pretend, or what.

But I know how to listen. How to be patient. How to be gentle. tender. safe. accepting. loving.

I’m not sure what will happen. But this I do know: Our Abba, our Daddy, is in control. He is with us. He always has been. Even through the really sad and really bad times. Even when we feel that no one else is around. He is there. I hope you can experience Him. I hope you can know His love.

You have been growing in my heart for several months now. I pray that I will get to hold you soon. To bring you home.

My deepest prayer, my strongest desire, is that even though you are not here now, that you will feel the amazing love for you that is in my heart. That you will know how much you are wanted. That you will know how much you are cared for. That you will know how special you are. That you will know you are a Princess.

I love you,

Mommy

As many of you know, we are in the process of adopting a little girl.

Well, maybe not so little…She’s 12.

We saw her picture months ago, and were captivated. I’ve been praying over her, preparing for her, and thinking about her all these months. I’ve wondered what might have put her into the system. How long she’s been in the system. How many homes she’s lived in. How many schools she’s had to learn in. How many friends she’s left behind. What connection to her past she still has. How much she wants to have.

…In come the warnings: “don’t get too attached…anything can happen.”

Pbpbpbpt!!! I’ve spent my whole life not getting too excited or too attached, because I got tired of the disappointment. God told me a couple of years ago, that I was going to have to take risks. So I did.

From that first night, I have loved this little girl like she is my own. Even though I only know a handful of facts about her. Even though I have never met her, but have only seen her picture. I have no idea what she will be like. How long it may take to adjust. Who she will grow up to be. Or even if I will ever get to hold her…I still love her. Like a mother loves her unborn child, without knowing, seeing, or touching, I love this little girl. She is my little girl.

I really felt the Holy Spirit tell me the first time I saw her picture, “This is My little girl, and I want you to love her”.

Now, it’s social workers’ jobs to prepare people for worst-case-scenario. These children have had their hearts broken countless times, in unimaginable ways, and I’m sure the social workers carry that and feel that too. They have to be protective…of the children, of themselves, of us.

At our interview, they mentioned the possible obstacles that could come up in this process. I’ve been well aware of the things that might happen. I know the kinds of things this little girl might have to deal with. I have a vivid imagination. I also have experience with some of these things. I’m aware of some of the things she might do to cope. I don’t expect it to be a cake walk. I only expect to love her anyway. With the love of Christ.

Yet, last night after our foster/adoption licencing class, I hit a speed bump. That’s an understatement. The class content was heart-breaking enough, focusing on grief and loss, and imagining what kinds of loss these kids experience, and how they’ve coped and survived.

After class, I was asking our social worker a question regarding the home studies. In our conversation, one of those obstacles presented itself again as a possibility, maybe even probability. They want to be cautious about potential triggers, both for me and for her. He wasn’t certain, but she and I may share something in our experiences that causes them to pause. To hesitate. To reconsider.

He assured me, that they will find a match for us…My heart dropped. The thought of losing this little girl. Tonight of all nights? Inside, I started scrambling, stirring, grasping.

I was up most of the night, praying, wrestling with feelings, naming them, imagining how I might work through various possibilities, preparing my case.

A battle is raging…
I named anger…at the perpetrators who took so much from me so long ago, who even now, threaten to take something even more precious
I named frustration…because I feel helpless–it’s ultimately not my decision
I named fear…of losing, of the unknown, of them erring too far on the side of caution
I named intimidation…because part of me is worried about not being heard, being misunderstood, labeled, or under-estimated
I named shame…for trying to make me feel like it’s because of who I am or what I’ve experienced

I fought them by…
Surrendering…to Christ, His sovereignty, His goodness, His will.

My Abba is bigger than any doubt, any obstacle, any rule, any pre-conceived notions, any reservations, any stigmas, any labels, any opinions…He is BIGGER…He is STRONGER.

He has a plan. He gave me this girl. Even if for just a season. Even if I may never hold her. Even if I may never meet her. She has been conceived in my heart, and will continue to grow there. 

My heart is in His hands.

God is using this to teach me so much
about love
about belonging
about trusting
about surrendering
about accepting
about fighting
about adoption
about loss
about being vulnerable

Please pray for us on this challenging journey of faith…I’m off to write another letter…

Last night my almost-seven-year-old asked one of those toughies. As we were getting ready for bed, he was going potty, and called me in to ask a question.

What are these two balls in here for again?

“God made those to help make babies when you grow up and get married,” I responded.

He had a bit of a puzzled look, probably because he knows that babies grow inside of their mommy’s tummy.

So those are the babies in there until I get married?

“No, they make part of the stuff that makes babies…”

Well, will it hurt when they take the stuff out of me?

(Barely able to hold myself together and not burst into laughter, I think “Hardly!…In fact, quite the opposite!”)

“No, it won’t. God made a special thing for married people to make babies. We’ll tell you more about it when you’re older.”

Agghhh! And this is just the beginning of these questions!

No, I’m not pregnant.

But it does appear that God wants to expand our family again.

My husband and I have always talked about fostering and/or adopting some day.

Some day.

When things settle down. When the kids are older. When we’re ready…

It seems that it’s someday.

We went to an information meeting the other day, and saw a picture of a little girl waiting to be adopted.

We couldn’t take our eyes off of her. She captivated us. Without sharing until later, we each had visions of her as part of our family. Playing in the back yard. Figuring out which room she’d sleep in. Where she would go to school. Playing with our boys. Our nieces (and nephews).

When all of the circumstances of our life say we’re crazy to do this now, the Holy Spirit says “Trust me”.

I feel like she is already our little girl. I dreamt the other night that when we went to try to adopt her, she had already gone with another family. In my dream, she had been in the process before we saw her picture. I was so upset, saying “you can’t do that to people”. I woke up amazed at how attached I already felt to a little girl whose picture I’ve only seen.

I spoke with the social worker yesterday. She told me that this little girl has some “adjustment issues”, as well as learning issues. She told me that we could choose from lots of other little girls who were normal if we wanted.

Nope. I can’t explain it, except by the Holy Spirit, but there is something about this one.  She didn’t quite know how to respond. She just assured me that we were always free to change our minds and pick someone else.

God told me that she is His little girl, and He wants me to love her. I didn’t choose her because of who or what I thought she was. I chose her because of who God told me she was.

We don’t know what will happen, or where this will go. But this I know. I am captivated.

Pray for us as we begin this journey toward certification and adoption. If this is our little girl, praise God. If He has someone else for her and for us, praise Him. Let His Spirit guide us, prepare us, and provide for us.

Last night we went to the little one’s preschool Christmas program. It was hysterical. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in a long time.

The program was complete with plenty of kids picking their butts, lifting their dresses to show off their panties, screaming, crying, running around the stage, and all the other stuff little kids do on stage. What joy.

Our son’s class started off the program (the younger threes). There they all stood, in their red and white Christmas attire, jingle bells in hand, alternating their attention between their teacher and finding parents in the audience, waiting for the music to begin.

As the music began, the entire class spontaneously started jumping with their bells. Ten barely-three-year-olds, bouncing all around the stage, bumping into each other, hair flopping around, singing (yelling) the words to the songs as loud as they could. Teachers were fielding kids to make sure no one got hurt. It was toddler popcorn explosion all over the stage.

One little boy was not participating at first. He stood there with a very sad look, about to cry. Then he spotted his parents in the audience. A very excited smile came over him and he ran to the edge of the stage waving and shouting his hellos–in the middle of the song, of course.

After they were done with their songs, they all waved, bowed, and my son started blowing kisses to the entire audience. He’s such a showman…Gotta love the preschool Christmas programs…and the preschool teachers for all they do…

My six-year-old has his first broken heart.

A friend of mine has a little girl just a few months younger than my son. We have always joked about having them betrothed since they were in the womb.

Well, they were in the same pre-school and kindergarten classes, and had decided that they were going to get married when they grow up. We told them they had to wait like 20 years before that was an option.

Well, last week at Trunk n Treat, she told him that she was going to marry someone else. He didn’t say anything until the next day, when he burst into tears. I asked what was wrong and he told me. I assured him that he had alot of years before he could marry anyone. A lot could happen between now and then. She might change her mind…he might meet someone else and change his mind. We have a long time before we have to worry about that.

He responded, “but we won’t know her parents!” as the tears rolled down his face.

I sat him on my lap and explained that God has someone very special planned for him. It may be her, it may be someone else, it may be someone we haven’t met yet. But God will let him know when the right time and who the right girl is. Just keep praying and trusting in Him.

How sweet…and funny…the tender heart of a six-year-old boy.

Are we in trouble!

Time to lighten things up a bit…

What do you get when you combine party balloons, a ceiling fan, and a two-year-old who can now reach the lightswitches?

With two kids, one of them being a two-year-old, most mornings, we get caught in the vortex I’m convinced exists between the bottom stair and the garage door. No matter how much time I think we have when we come downstairs “ready” to go, we always seem to end up rushing out the door. Someone can’t find their shoes, changes their mind 12 times about what they want for breakfast, takes their shoes off after you’ve put them on, argues and throws a tantrum because they still don’t understand why they can’t have cookies or chocolate for breakfast, spills their milk or juice on the floor, or gets distracted by a cool toy they forgot they had…The kids sometimes cause delays as well;)

Being the practical EconMommy I am, I’m always looking to make things more efficient, so I look for places to save time.

Here’s some Morning Time Savers for other time-starved parents, and those who hit the snooze a few too many times:) Most of them involve preparation the night before.

• Lay out clothes the night before
• Bathe children the night before
• Try to wrestle the kids to bed at a reasonable hour
• Skip the late show
• Pack the kids’ lunches the night before
• Put backpacks, jackets, etc in the car the night before
• Get their milk or juice, cereal, etc ready the night before (don’t pour the milk yet unless your kids like soggy cereal)

If you get really desperate, or really like that snooze button, you can get really radical and do the following:

• Shower yourself the night before (don’t forget lots of deodorant afterward)
• Sleep in your workclothes for the next day
• In the morning, run the shower with really hot water as you comb your hair and brush your teeth so the steam will let out some of the wrinkles from sleeping in your clothes (BTW, this also saves $$ on pajamas:) )
• Shave everyone’s head to save time on combing and styling hair (you’ll have to think of something else to do while the shower’s running)
• Pour the milk the night before and choke down soggy cereal

Now, if only I could feed my kids breakfast the night before…