First off, I’m feeling a bit better than last week. I’m feeling much more secure, completely in the tender, strong hands of Christ.

I discovered something really amazing this weekend, as I’ve been “preparing my case”. It highlighted the awesome healing work that has been taking place these past couple of years.

One of the catalysts in evaluating my life and my relationships a few years ago was that I recognized that I had no close friendships. I had no one with whom I felt I could share the deep, dark, raw, and vulnerable places within. As I wrestled with questions, wrestled in my faith, wrestled in my marriage, wrestled with terrible memories re-surfacing, I had no one to turn to.

…truth is, I had plenty to turn to, but no one I felt I could, or would, turn to…

In B4A, we made a short list of our support people, who we could call on if/when things got really tough.

This weekend, I began making a list…of people I could turn to for support and for prayer. I was amazed at what I found. The names just kept flowing.

In addition to my husband and counselor, I was able to list more than 50 people.

Of course, there are a handful on the “short list”, with whom I would feel the most comfortable, who are most familiar with my story and my struggles.

But the rest, I know I could call, text, email, or walk into their office, and without a lengthy explanation, receive immediate prayer, encouragement, and biblical insight.

WOW!

Thanks Abba, not only for providing such strong, caring, loving people, but for giving me an opportunity to recognize such a gift.

Jenna,

We are still plugging along in the licensing class, waiting for the weeks to pass until we can complete the process and bring you home. Only 8 more to go (only?).

The website that has your picture is down, so I haven’t been able to look at it in a couple of days. Yet, just as I do with the boys, I can still see you when I close my eyes. I wonder if you will have other pictures to bring with you. I wonder how much you’ve grown since that picture was taken.

We played on the slip n slide this weekend. As I watched the boys laugh and play, and slid down the slippery track myself, I thought of you, and what sweet fun it will be when you can join in the playtime. We’re planning a birthday party for your brother. I think about how we will miss having you this time around. But, there will be many more to come.

What would you think about a sister, too? We heard a story about another girl waiting for a family, and my thought was “two girls?” We can only continue to pray and wait to see what God will bring. In the meantime, take care, my princess.

Thinking of you,

Mommy

I remember the first time I saw your picture. I was captivated. I envisioned you playing on the swingset in the back yard, tucking you into bed at night, throwing you a birthday party…I know we have missed a birthday during this long wait. I pray that this process moves quickly, though in God’s time, so we don’t miss another.

The boys are excited and eager to have you home. They ask everyday, when will “Jenna” come home?

I look at your picture every day. I wonder where you are now. I wonder how long you’ve waited. I wonder if you have any idea how our hearts are being knit together during these months. I wonder if you’ve met Jesus. I wonder how God is preparing your heart.

I wonder what you will like–your favorite color, your favorite games, your favorite characters.  Will we watch Hannah Montana, listen to Jonas Brothers, play hula hoop and hopscotch and paint our toes?

The wait is long. The social worker suggested treating the wait like a pregnancy. I responded, “I try, but when you’re pregnant, your child doesn’t live with someone else!”

I struggle with what to pray for you now. While I want you to be happy and feel cared for now, it would be difficult to uproot you from that. Of course, I don’t wish you to be lonely or hurting. I can only pray that if it is God’s will for you to join our family, that your heart would be opening up for us, that your soul would be ready for Jesus, and that your life would be ready to be knit together with ours.

We can’t wait to bring you home.

Love,

mommy in waiting

As I emerge from the chaos that is the school year, I’m reviewing my blog. There’s so much I haven’t written! Here’s a quick update, and I’ll try to fill in details in the coming months.

Kids…growing up way too fast, getting very excited about the new addition coming…
Adoption…she turned 12 recently…we just finished week 2 of 11 in the county’s licensing class; then home-study, and hopefully placement…I’d like to have her home this summer, before school begins, but with the slow processing time of an under-resourced county social services system, I’ll be happy to get her before she’s a teenager!
Grad School…begins in September…
Beauty for Ashes…was much more difficult than I had imagined…brought alot to light; and showed me that I still have alot to work through…next week is the last week…I’ll miss my sisters…and the cello…
Work…I love my job; I had some awesome experiences with my students…seeing God work and use me to minister to them…amazing!
Ministry…for a while I’ll be playing Mary, the minister formerly known as Martha…it took months to be able to say it out loud as an affirmative, and not just a possibility…still praying for a replacement…
Walk with Christ…this season has been amazing, getting to experience Immanuel and his faithfulness…and see a 3-year prayer answered this April as I hosted a Passover Seder with some friends from church…

So much in my head…I need to get it out and share! If I could have enough grace with myself to allow myself to just write snippets and not have to craft each entry and edit it to death!

I’ll work on it…

Come fall, I will back in grad school! I received (finally) my admission letter from Claremont. Now the real work begins…

This week was a really tough one in B4A. Facing and giving voice to the lies that have haunted me for so long. It was an awakening that I am not quite as far along in my healing as I had previously thought. I thought I knew who I was in Christ. But then, I realized that there are still remnants of the falsehoods that were planted repeatedly, and then magnified over the years as each new experience both fed the existing lies, and planted new ones in the garden of deceit.

We studied Psalm 63 earlier in the week, which, among several other Psalms, refers to the refuge of the shadow of His wings–His wings of protection. All week, God continues to feed the image within my soul.

Yesterday in one of my classes, a student chose Kanafim (wings of protection) from the treasure box for our devotional. It brought tears to my eyes (as well as several of my students). It included a recount from an evangelist, Sundar Singh. I’ll share it with you:

Once, as I traveled through the Himalayas, there was a great forest fire. Everyone was frantically trying to fight the fire, but I noticed a group of men standing and looking up into a tree that was about to go up in flames. When I asked them what they were looking at, they pointed up at a nest full of young birds. Above it, the mother bird was circling wildly in the air and calling out warnings to her young ones. There was nothing she or we could do, and soon the flames started climbing up the branches.

As the nest caught fire, we were all amazed to see how the mother bird reacted. Instead of flying away from the flames, she flew down and settled on the nest, covering her little ones with her wings. The next moment, she and her nestlings were burnt to ashes. None of us could believe our eyes. I turned to those standing by and said: “We have witnessed a truly marvelous thing. God created that bird with such love and devotion, that she gave her life trying to protect her young. If her small heart was so full of love, how unfathomable must be the love of her Creator. That is the love that brought him down from heaven to become man. That is the love that made him suffer a painful death for our sake.”

Speechless…

I’m going to have to chew on this one for a while…

I got to witness the sweetest expression of Christian love this morning.

A girl in my Macro class has been struggling. Today I gave them classwork to prepare them for Monday’s exam. I bounced around from group to group answering questions and helping students.

As I looked around between questions, I noticed a girl who sits way back in the far corner. She’s been in my office for help before. She sat there alone. Not working. Not knowing how to ask for help.

I walked back to check on her and help her out. She could barely get out that she just didn’t get it and didn’t even know what to ask, because she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. I know the frustration. I asked her “and you don’t know anyone in here, do you?” She didn’t. Tears began to well up and roll down her cheek.

I started walking her through some of the problems. As class drew to a close, I invited her to my office for more help.

Back in my office, I listened to her share about the pressure she feels, working two jobs, struggling through classes, missing her aunt, who is terminal with cancer, and hasn’t seen in months, and can’t afford to go visit in Mexico, issues with her own health, having no one to talk to, no friends at school. What heavy burdens for a young woman. I cried with her, prayed over her, hugged her, and then helped her with the material. I encouraged her to make a phone call…

Back in class, as we packed up, a girl in the row ahead turned around, and handed her a slip of paper. It was her phone number. She encouraged her and told her that she had survived micro last semester…how it was so hard it made her want to cry at times…how she knew her struggle. She invited her to join her study group with other classmates.

What sweet compassion.

She gave her something I could never give…an invitation to be included with her peers…from her peer. This student saw a need, and responded with such tender, pure, Christ-like love. What good eyes…

I love my job…

So after writing the previous post, two more confirmations…

At lunch, my friend commented “just keep your eyes open and minister when the need arises”.

Wow.

Then after lunch, discussing classes with a colleague, a particular student came up in our discussion. This student has been a “project” for some of my colleagues. This student is not a Christian. This student is planning to graduate this year.

Now, it seems, it is my turn. My colleague commented about “seeing” beneath this student, guiding this student along, challenging this student, and allowing this student to rise to the occasion. This is an opportunity.

This is why I am here.
At this university.
In this school. 
Teaching this course.
This term.

I love His sight. What beauty that surrounds us.

If I wasn’t so taken by the beauty of His ways, my head might really hurt.

Still keeping my eyes open…

Our family asks for prayer for my husband’s nephew, Tyler. Tyler and his brother, Timmy, both have a rare kidney disease. They had transplants several years ago. Last year, after missing some of his medications over several weeks, Tyler began rejecting his kidney, and was put on the transplant list. Last night, a donor became available, and they took Tyler in for the transplant. He came out of surgery okay, but we are still waiting to see if his body will accept it. This is probably his last chance, as he is not able to do dialysis, and will likely not be put back on the transplant list if he rejects again.

Pray for Tyler’s recovery, and accepting his new kidney; faith and peace for my husband’s family; and comfort and peace for the family which just lost their 4-year-old, whose kidney Tyler now has.

The Lamberths have been dear to us for many years. We grew together in small group, went through our first pregnancies together, and our boys have been great buddies.  Mark was in a dirt bike accident yesterday and is in very critical condition. He has severe injuries.

I’ve been wrestling in prayer all day for them. They have hardly left my thoughts. A blog has been set up to keep updated on their situation. http://prayforthelamberths.wordpress.com

Please join our community in praying for his family.