I’ve missed you…

As I emerge from the chaos that is the school year, I’m reviewing my blog. There’s so much I haven’t written! Here’s a quick update, and I’ll try to fill in details in the coming months.

Kids…growing up way too fast, getting very excited about the new addition coming…
Adoption…she turned 12 recently…we just finished week 2 of 11 in the county’s licensing class; then home-study, and hopefully placement…I’d like to have her home this summer, before school begins, but with the slow processing time of an under-resourced county social services system, I’ll be happy to get her before she’s a teenager!
Grad School…begins in September…
Beauty for Ashes…was much more difficult than I had imagined…brought alot to light; and showed me that I still have alot to work through…next week is the last week…I’ll miss my sisters…and the cello…
Work…I love my job; I had some awesome experiences with my students…seeing God work and use me to minister to them…amazing!
Ministry…for a while I’ll be playing Mary, the minister formerly known as Martha…it took months to be able to say it out loud as an affirmative, and not just a possibility…still praying for a replacement…
Walk with Christ…this season has been amazing, getting to experience Immanuel and his faithfulness…and see a 3-year prayer answered this April as I hosted a Passover Seder with some friends from church…

So much in my head…I need to get it out and share! If I could have enough grace with myself to allow myself to just write snippets and not have to craft each entry and edit it to death!

I’ll work on it…

Delicate Questions

Last night my almost-seven-year-old asked one of those toughies. As we were getting ready for bed, he was going potty, and called me in to ask a question.

What are these two balls in here for again?

“God made those to help make babies when you grow up and get married,” I responded.

He had a bit of a puzzled look, probably because he knows that babies grow inside of their mommy’s tummy.

So those are the babies in there until I get married?

“No, they make part of the stuff that makes babies…”

Well, will it hurt when they take the stuff out of me?

(Barely able to hold myself together and not burst into laughter, I think “Hardly!…In fact, quite the opposite!”)

“No, it won’t. God made a special thing for married people to make babies. We’ll tell you more about it when you’re older.”

Agghhh! And this is just the beginning of these questions!

Back in the Saddle

Come fall, I will back in grad school! I received (finally) my admission letter from Claremont. Now the real work begins…

In the Shadow of His Wings

This week was a really tough one in B4A. Facing and giving voice to the lies that have haunted me for so long. It was an awakening that I am not quite as far along in my healing as I had previously thought. I thought I knew who I was in Christ. But then, I realized that there are still remnants of the falsehoods that were planted repeatedly, and then magnified over the years as each new experience both fed the existing lies, and planted new ones in the garden of deceit.

We studied Psalm 63 earlier in the week, which, among several other Psalms, refers to the refuge of the shadow of His wings–His wings of protection. All week, God continues to feed the image within my soul.

Yesterday in one of my classes, a student chose Kanafim (wings of protection) from the treasure box for our devotional. It brought tears to my eyes (as well as several of my students). It included a recount from an evangelist, Sundar Singh. I’ll share it with you:

Once, as I traveled through the Himalayas, there was a great forest fire. Everyone was frantically trying to fight the fire, but I noticed a group of men standing and looking up into a tree that was about to go up in flames. When I asked them what they were looking at, they pointed up at a nest full of young birds. Above it, the mother bird was circling wildly in the air and calling out warnings to her young ones. There was nothing she or we could do, and soon the flames started climbing up the branches.

As the nest caught fire, we were all amazed to see how the mother bird reacted. Instead of flying away from the flames, she flew down and settled on the nest, covering her little ones with her wings. The next moment, she and her nestlings were burnt to ashes. None of us could believe our eyes. I turned to those standing by and said: “We have witnessed a truly marvelous thing. God created that bird with such love and devotion, that she gave her life trying to protect her young. If her small heart was so full of love, how unfathomable must be the love of her Creator. That is the love that brought him down from heaven to become man. That is the love that made him suffer a painful death for our sake.”

Speechless…

I’m going to have to chew on this one for a while…

Battlefield

There is a war going on. In my heart. In my mind. In my wallet.

Last night was the first night of B4A. I’ve been waiting about 8 months for this.

As I arrived at the meeting, I could hardly hold back the tears. The other women naturally assumed it was the anticipation of the journey we are all embarking on. Hugs and encouragement surrounded me. I exclaimed, “it’s not even this–it’s all the other crap going on!”

Finances have been stretched so thin this year, my husband and I having both taken pay cuts to move to new jobs with better advancement opportunity, expecting things to be better in the long run. Now we face the likelihood of deeper cuts, furlows, and even potential layoff and hiring freezes on the horizon.

Job security gone.
Financial safety net gone. 
My achilles heel…
I’m the financial minister…
I’m not supposed to have these problems…

blah, blah, blah…

Yesterday afternoon, the weight of it all just came dumping into my lap, just a couple of hours before our meeting was to start. As others were facing similar spiritual battles trying to keep them from showing up, I faced my own battle…for my thoughts. While the thought never occurred to not go to the meeting, I had trouble getting my mind fully there. Yet, by the grace of God, we all made it.

During worship, we sang Blessed Be Your Name. Our leader talked about the words within the song “you give and take away”. The words are inspired by Job 1:21. She described this beautiful exchange that takes place with Christ–where He replaces our ashes with beauty, our mourning with joy, our despair with praise.

I described to my breakout group that I feel like I’ve been carrying around this load of garbage. I know it’s a bunch of garbage, but I’ve been waiting to find a place to dump it. I’ve been able to manage the weight and bulk for a time, only by knowing that relief was coming soon. I know that there is treasure among the trash, so I can’t just drop everything. I need to find a place to sift through it, separate it, keep the good stuff, and leave the rest behind. This group promises to be that place.

Last night I tossed and turned, unable to sleep. So much on my mind. Finances. Group. Ministry. School. Work. Students.

I thought about those words…about the exchange.

Then it occurred to me… 

I’ve had it backwards.

I’ve been waiting to sift through the load to separate the trash from the treasure.
I’ve been looking for a place to lay it all down.
I’ve been trying to figure it all out.
I’ve been holding on to control.

It’s been all about me.
Again.

Just when I thought I surrendered, I slowly picked it all up again. Little by little, so that I didn’t realize it until it became too cumbersome.

Last night it occurred to me. I need to allow God to take first. Then give.

It’s not my job to sift through the garbage and decide what I’m supposed to “let Him take”, and to keep what I think is treasure.

It’s my job to let Him take everything.
To lay it all down at His feet.
…they’ve been waiting there the entire time…
Then He’ll return treasure to me…
on His schedule…

Polished.
Restored.
Renewed.
Better than before.
Better than I could ever do.

Letting go. Completely.

If only I knew what that really looked like.

Lord, help me to let go. Release my grip. Take it all. Give me what You will.

I will trust in You. You alone. Help me to believe.

Reason #17 why I love my job…

I got to witness the sweetest expression of Christian love this morning.

A girl in my Macro class has been struggling. Today I gave them classwork to prepare them for Monday’s exam. I bounced around from group to group answering questions and helping students.

As I looked around between questions, I noticed a girl who sits way back in the far corner. She’s been in my office for help before. She sat there alone. Not working. Not knowing how to ask for help.

I walked back to check on her and help her out. She could barely get out that she just didn’t get it and didn’t even know what to ask, because she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. I know the frustration. I asked her “and you don’t know anyone in here, do you?” She didn’t. Tears began to well up and roll down her cheek.

I started walking her through some of the problems. As class drew to a close, I invited her to my office for more help.

Back in my office, I listened to her share about the pressure she feels, working two jobs, struggling through classes, missing her aunt, who is terminal with cancer, and hasn’t seen in months, and can’t afford to go visit in Mexico, issues with her own health, having no one to talk to, no friends at school. What heavy burdens for a young woman. I cried with her, prayed over her, hugged her, and then helped her with the material. I encouraged her to make a phone call…

Back in class, as we packed up, a girl in the row ahead turned around, and handed her a slip of paper. It was her phone number. She encouraged her and told her that she had survived micro last semester…how it was so hard it made her want to cry at times…how she knew her struggle. She invited her to join her study group with other classmates.

What sweet compassion.

She gave her something I could never give…an invitation to be included with her peers…from her peer. This student saw a need, and responded with such tender, pure, Christ-like love. What good eyes…

I love my job…

gonna be a mommy again?

No, I’m not pregnant.

But it does appear that God wants to expand our family again.

My husband and I have always talked about fostering and/or adopting some day.

Some day.

When things settle down. When the kids are older. When we’re ready…

It seems that it’s someday.

We went to an information meeting the other day, and saw a picture of a little girl waiting to be adopted.

We couldn’t take our eyes off of her. She captivated us. Without sharing until later, we each had visions of her as part of our family. Playing in the back yard. Figuring out which room she’d sleep in. Where she would go to school. Playing with our boys. Our nieces (and nephews).

When all of the circumstances of our life say we’re crazy to do this now, the Holy Spirit says “Trust me”.

I feel like she is already our little girl. I dreamt the other night that when we went to try to adopt her, she had already gone with another family. In my dream, she had been in the process before we saw her picture. I was so upset, saying “you can’t do that to people”. I woke up amazed at how attached I already felt to a little girl whose picture I’ve only seen.

I spoke with the social worker yesterday. She told me that this little girl has some “adjustment issues”, as well as learning issues. She told me that we could choose from lots of other little girls who were normal if we wanted.

Nope. I can’t explain it, except by the Holy Spirit, but there is something about this one.  She didn’t quite know how to respond. She just assured me that we were always free to change our minds and pick someone else.

God told me that she is His little girl, and He wants me to love her. I didn’t choose her because of who or what I thought she was. I chose her because of who God told me she was.

We don’t know what will happen, or where this will go. But this I know. I am captivated.

Pray for us as we begin this journey toward certification and adoption. If this is our little girl, praise God. If He has someone else for her and for us, praise Him. Let His Spirit guide us, prepare us, and provide for us.

Really beating me over the head…

So after writing the previous post, two more confirmations…

At lunch, my friend commented “just keep your eyes open and minister when the need arises”.

Wow.

Then after lunch, discussing classes with a colleague, a particular student came up in our discussion. This student has been a “project” for some of my colleagues. This student is not a Christian. This student is planning to graduate this year.

Now, it seems, it is my turn. My colleague commented about “seeing” beneath this student, guiding this student along, challenging this student, and allowing this student to rise to the occasion. This is an opportunity.

This is why I am here.
At this university.
In this school. 
Teaching this course.
This term.

I love His sight. What beauty that surrounds us.

If I wasn’t so taken by the beauty of His ways, my head might really hurt.

Still keeping my eyes open…

Give me your eyes

Sometimes God just beats me over the head…

A passage from Matthew 6:19-21 inspired me to do something new in class this semester. In order to strive to keep our hearts directed toward the right place, I carry a treasure box, inside which are several slips of paper with devotion ideas. We’re reading from a book that has a series of word studies.

I began yesterday’s morning about to choose a word, reading that particular study, and then decided that I would leave it to God to choose. So I put several different words on slips of paper and placed them in the treasure box.

After shaking the box, I had a student draw out a slip of paper. Ayin-tovah–meaning “good eye”…the word I was about to unilaterally choose that morning.

The word is an idiom (figure of speech), meaning to be generous: to see the needs of others and respond…one of my favorite Hebrew phrases.

Then this morning, after shaking the box again, a student draws out…Ayin-tovah.

Hmm…okay…God really wants me to get this one.

Then, next class…after physically mixing them up, and shaking the box…again…a student draws out…Ayin-tovah!

I guess God is now beating me over the head with this one.

I’m keeping my eyes peeled. Either I’ve missed something, or He’s about to show me something…

How is your sight?

Waiting to see what comes my way…

Pray With Us

Our family asks for prayer for my husband’s nephew, Tyler. Tyler and his brother, Timmy, both have a rare kidney disease. They had transplants several years ago. Last year, after missing some of his medications over several weeks, Tyler began rejecting his kidney, and was put on the transplant list. Last night, a donor became available, and they took Tyler in for the transplant. He came out of surgery okay, but we are still waiting to see if his body will accept it. This is probably his last chance, as he is not able to do dialysis, and will likely not be put back on the transplant list if he rejects again.

Pray for Tyler’s recovery, and accepting his new kidney; faith and peace for my husband’s family; and comfort and peace for the family which just lost their 4-year-old, whose kidney Tyler now has.